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She had been trying to pass on her philosophies about dating for years, and to sum up her rules, they were this: Don’t. Here it is, presented in full, as I’m not even sure I understand it completely and perhaps you can help: It’s a story from her own youth, living in Rockaway, Queens, after she emigrated with her family from Israel. But I know by now she will only repeat the story because the lessons of it are obvious to her. She’d seen me through a lifetime of social interactions. J., wanting to know if I would be a good second wife for them, if I was “serious” about settling down, if I had a family history of infertility.Whatever she was trying to convey to me, she had to know that I couldn’t pull it off, this subterfuge; I wasn’t her. I couldn’t stare contemptuously at a man and make him want me more. It was nothing like what I heard from a critical mass of my friends who were getting divorced.
) and a diamond ring right smack in the middle, almost like a warning: You were not entering subtle territory. A hunter has to believe his prey doesn’t want to be feasted upon, right? ) So how do you pretend you don’t want something you do want? The rules that were outlined in the book ranged from “Don’t Stare at Men or Talk Too Much” (rule 3) to “Don’t Accept a Saturday Night Date after Wednesday” (rule 7) to “Don’t Tell Him What To Do” (rule 16).To sometimes be intimate with someone you didn’t even end up meeting in real life. I used a somewhat obscured picture of myself and I used my middle name. These days, a man will vie for your heart by sending you a picture of his penis as the first interaction you’ve had — not to upset you but to entice you (all these years later, men do not understand how penises work for women).There are untold amounts of men who want to know if you will make eye contact while you are fellating them. I found that out when I went on the apps disguised as a man. We believe in sexual satisfaction now, yes, but also we are not offended by the asks.There were so many mixed messages, and the women I knew were at war to maintain their independence but also still traditional enough to think about the families they’d been engineered to want.Had we alienated the men with all our independence?The ’90s woman, confused by how her ambition was supposed to be compatible with her want for a family, nodded her head emphatically, her Rachel shimmering around her face.
Because it was also a time when we were supposed to be newly empowered. The battles had been fought; we owned property and voted.The book’s authors, Ellen Fein and Sherrie Schneider, promised a generation of women who were at war with themselves (not all of us, but enough of us) that we could find the husbands we dreamed of if only we could control ourselves for a few months (a year tops), sublimate our desires and follow 35 simple rules for attracting and securing a man. Don’t worry: Even if you are a mieskeit, if you put yourself together enough, if you act mysterious enough, you will ignite the heart of a man who is so consumed by the chase that he’ll never really notice that you are incompatible or you are desperately needy or you have untreated clubfoot or your eyes are too close together or you get poppy seeds stuck in your teeth or you have irregular periods or your bikini line is unwieldy or you are a child-hater or your slight but apparent case of untreated scoliosis or you are ambivalent about your religion or you don’t know who you will vote for yet or you do not know how to cook or you have seasonal allergies or you sometimes feel a dark yearning about what you are supposed to be doing on this earth or are similarly vile. We were to prepare ourselves for our new husband-forward philosophy — to become a “Rules girl,” in their vernacular — by getting in shape and learning how to like ourselves, even when the reality of our own countenances made that impossible.It is not efficient to list all the rules of “The Rules” here, but they came down to: Don’t chase men. Make them want you; you are doing them a favor when you are withholding. The key was to not appear as though you needed love; that was the only way to get it. “So try to change bad habits like slovenliness,” the book beseeched us.We worked and talked endlessly about things like balance.The women’s magazines encouraged us to take initiative, to ask the guy out. Colleges were giving out condoms, not just to the men but to the women. It was a time when almost every single movie ended with a wedding, no iota of nuance to be found anywhere, even if the woman in the movie had just spent 83 minutes prior making a case as to why she didn’t want to be or shouldn’t be married.